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by Kelly Bejelly

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Growing up, I  always considered myself a Tomboy.

I loved being outside and climbing to the tops of trees. I was constantly covered in dirt and tree sap and I took pride in the fact that I was just one of the boys.

Then puberty hit and besides dealing with the humors of my body, I had no idea how to be a girl. I didn’t do any of the things that ‘girls’ did like flirt or talk about clothes nonetheless experiment with makeup.

I felt like a stranger in a foreign land and during one of my attempts to do all things girl, I learned that it was not safe to be a girl.

That men looked at you.

That your body became something other than what it was really was – some sort of fantasy object – not you.

At that point, I felt it was safer to continue to be the Tomboy.   It was safer to resent the “pretty girls” and just pretend that I wanted nothing to do with hair, makeup and beauty when secretly, I yearned for it.

I yearned for pretty things and dresses that swished around my legs when I walked.

I yearned to wear a smokey eye because every woman I saw who wore it looked like a Goddess.

I called those ‘pretty girls’ – Fake, Frauds, every hurtful word I could think of until I really believed what I was thinking.

But . . . I could only repress this for so long until I just broke down.


I fell apart in some ways.

My diet was a wreck so I cleaned that up and while I felt amazing.  . . diet could only do so much.

I had an underground volcano of repressed emotions that would force me to begin a spiritual journey that would change my life.

During my first meeting with my therapist, I cried the entire time.

It was the first time I had cried in years.

I felt a shift enough during our first meeting to continue and I quickly learned that I was the one who had to change.

I asked God to change me and then I spent 3 years letting out the tears, clearing all the old stories and beliefs that I was told.

Healing is often compared to an onion.

Once you remove one layer, there is one right underneath.

I peeled and peeled until one day I realized that I was hiding behind being a tomboy when truly my spirit craved beauty, makeup and all things girly.

I took baby steps and bought some cheap makeup at Target and I hated it.

I wanted better.

I deserved better so I bought it and I felt amazing.

There is something so powerful in claiming your truth and for me, that meant that I could allow myself the pleasure of wearing makeup.

I could allow myself the pleasure of the ritual of washing my face and then applying foundations and outlining my eyes.

I don’t always get a chance to to sit down and put on makeup but when I do, it feels like home.

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  • December 7, 2017 at 2:52 am

    I got into girly stuff late, too. Makeup I “needed” more than wanted, so I’ve always felt kind of imprisoned by it. Going without it recently has brought on those self-love feels! 🙂

  • December 7, 2017 at 1:41 pm

    Never hide behind other people’s expectations. Always be yourself and love it!

  • December 7, 2017 at 2:33 pm

    I loved reading through your journey, and I think this sentence says it all: “I could allow myself the pleasure …”. I enjoy makeup, but I don’t wear it everyday. It’s fun to have the option, but even more empowering to allow myself to experiment with looks and pamper myself just because.

    • December 7, 2017 at 2:38 pm

      Yes, being able to have the choice is so important!