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Growing up, I always considered myself a Tomboy.
I loved being outside and climbing to the tops of trees. I was constantly covered in dirt and tree sap and I took pride in the fact that I was just one of the boys.
Then puberty hit and besides dealing with the humors of my body, I had no idea how to be a girl. I didn’t do any of the things that ‘girls’ did like flirt or talk about clothes nonetheless experiment with makeup.
I felt like a stranger in a foreign land and during one of my attempts to do all things girl, I learned that it was not safe to be a girl.
That men looked at you.
That your body became something other than what it was really was – some sort of fantasy object – not you.
At that point, I felt it was safer to continue to be the Tomboy. It was safer to resent the “pretty girls” and just pretend that I wanted nothing to do with hair, makeup and beauty when secretly, I yearned for it.
I yearned for pretty things and dresses that swished around my legs when I walked.
I yearned to wear a smokey eye because every woman I saw who wore it looked like a Goddess.
I called those ‘pretty girls’ – Fake, Frauds, every hurtful word I could think of until I really believed what I was thinking.
But . . . I could only repress this for so long until I just broke down.
I fell apart in some ways.
My diet was a wreck so I cleaned that up and while I felt amazing. . . diet could only do so much.
I had an underground volcano of repressed emotions that would force me to begin a spiritual journey that would change my life.
During my first meeting with my therapist, I cried the entire time.
It was the first time I had cried in years.
I felt a shift enough during our first meeting to continue and I quickly learned that I was the one who had to change.
I asked God to change me and then I spent 3 years letting out the tears, clearing all the old stories and beliefs that I was told.
Healing is often compared to an onion.
Once you remove one layer, there is one right underneath.
I peeled and peeled until one day I realized that I was hiding behind being a tomboy when truly my spirit craved beauty, makeup and all things girly.
I took baby steps and bought some cheap makeup at Target and I hated it.
I wanted better.
I deserved better so I bought it and I felt amazing.
There is something so powerful in claiming your truth and for me, that meant that I could allow myself the pleasure of wearing makeup.
I could allow myself the pleasure of the ritual of washing my face and then applying foundations and outlining my eyes.
I don’t always get a chance to to sit down and put on makeup but when I do, it feels like home.