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Last Updated on May 29, 2025
Divorce can be a battlefield, and not every weapon used by the other side is clear at first.
While you’re trying to move on, some spouses turn to mind games. They twist facts, gaslight, guilt-trip, and sabotage your peace to stay in control.
If you’re dealing with a manipulative husband, you may already feel like you’re losing your grip on reality. He may charm others while silently breaking you down behind closed doors.
The worst part? These tactics often hide in plain sight. You may think you’re just being sensitive—or overreacting. But you’re not.
This guide will show you how to recognize these manipulation tactics and protect your mental, emotional well-being and legal rights before it’s too late.
Common Manipulation Tactics in Divorce
When you’re going through a divorce, emotions run high. But some spouses go beyond emotional pain and use manipulation as a strategy. These tactics aren’t just unfair—they can affect your settlement, custody rights, and long-term mental health.
Here are some of the most common manipulation tactics used during divorce, and how to spot them:
1. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a psychological tactic where someone makes you doubt your memory, perception, or sanity. During divorce, it might sound like:
- “I never said that.”
- “You’re making things up.”
- “You’re crazy—everyone knows it.”
Gaslighting is dangerous because it slowly erodes your sense of self. The manipulator stays in control while you question your reality.
If you feel confused, anxious, or constantly second-guessing yourself, it’s time to document everything. Keep written communication through texts or emails. Avoid verbal-only discussions if possible.
2. Financial Control or Sabotage
In many states, financial disclosures are required by law during divorce. For instance, California Family Code § 2100 mandates full and accurate disclosure of all assets and debts.
But a manipulative spouse may:
- Hide income or assets.
- Empty joint bank accounts.
- Delay paying bills to ruin your credit.
- Refuse to pay child or spousal support.
These actions aren’t just unethical—they could be illegal. If you suspect hidden assets, request a forensic accountant through your attorney. Courts frown upon a lack of transparency and may penalize the offending party in the final judgment.
3. Using the Children as Pawns
This is one of the most painful tactics. The manipulator may try to turn the children against you or interfere with your parenting time.
They might say things like:
- “Your mom doesn’t love you—she just wants money.”
- “If you stay with Dad, I’ll be all alone.”
This is known as parental alienation. While not recognized as a legal offense in all states, judges do take it seriously when determining custody. In New York, for example, courts evaluate whether one parent is trying to damage the child’s relationship with the other when making custody decisions.
Keep detailed logs of interactions and consider involving a therapist or guardian to advocate for the child’s best interests.
4. False Accusations
Sometimes, a manipulative spouse may falsely accuse you of abuse, neglect, or other misconduct to gain the upper hand. This is especially common when fighting over custody.
If you’ve been accused, don’t panic—but do act fast. Hire an attorney and gather evidence. False allegations can backfire if exposed in court, and knowingly filing them may result in criminal penalties.
Many jurisdictions treat false allegations as a form of defamation or perjury. In Texas, for example, filing a knowingly false report of child abuse is a felony offense under Texas Family Code § 261.107.
5. Love-Bombing or Guilt-Tripping
Not all manipulation looks like warfare. Sometimes it looks like affection.
Your ex may suddenly act loving or remorseful. They might say things like:
- “Can’t we just start over?”
- “You’re ruining our family.”
This emotional rollercoaster can make you question your decision, especially if you still care for them. But don’t mistake temporary kindness for true change. Often, it’s a tactic to delay proceedings or shift blame.
Stay grounded by leaning on a support system—friends, family, or a therapist—who can help you keep perspective.
6. Dragging Out the Divorce
Some spouses intentionally delay the process to wear you down financially and emotionally. They may:
- Miss court dates.
- Refuse to sign documents.
- Switch lawyers repeatedly.
This is known as litigation abuse, and while courts generally push for efficiency, some states allow penalties. In Illinois, for instance, a judge can order one party to pay the other’s legal fees if they’re causing unnecessary delays (see Illinois Marriage and Dissolution of Marriage Act § 508).
If this is happening, your lawyer can file a motion to compel or request court sanctions.
7. Playing the Victim
This tactic is about controlling the narrative. Your ex may present themselves to the court, friends, or even therapists as the wounded party.
They may lie about being abused or financially exploited. It’s a way to win sympathy—and possibly favorable terms in the divorce.
Counter this by staying factual. Let your documentation speak for itself. Don’t retaliate or argue—courts value calm, credible behavior.
Final Thought on Tactics
Manipulation during divorce isn’t just “part of the process”—it’s abuse wrapped in legal tactics. Recognizing these patterns early can help you regain control and protect your future.
If you’re unsure whether you’re being manipulated, trust your instincts. And don’t wait to get legal and emotional support. The earlier you act, the stronger your position will be.